I’ll Fix It!: How Growing Up with Addicted Parents Can Lead to Codependency and Trauma in Adulthood
If your childhood included hiding bottles, walking on eggshells, or trying to cheer up a parent who was spiraling, you may have developed a particular superpower: codependency. On the surface, codependency looks like being incredibly helpful, loyal, and self-sacrificing. Underneath? It’s often a survival skill shaped by chaos, addiction, and emotional neglect.
Let’s talk about how growing up with parents who struggled with addiction can turn you into the “emotional first responder” in your relationships—and how that role can, unfortunately, set you up for adult relationships filled with unhealthy dynamics, including domestic violence and trauma.
Codependency: The Unofficial Childhood Job
Children of addicted parents often grow up in unstable environments where roles and responsibilities are blurred. You might have become the “parentified child”—cooking dinner, soothing your parent’s moods, or taking care of younger siblings. You learned early that your needs didn’t come first, and keeping others happy was the safest way to survive.
This is the birthplace of codependency.
Codependency isn’t just about being “too nice.” It’s about losing yourself in other people’s problems, feeling responsible for their emotions, and tying your self-worth to how well you can fix, help, or rescue others. It often feels noble, even loving—but it comes at a high cost.
“Why Do I Keep Attracting These People?!”
As an adult, these patterns don’t just disappear. If anything, they sneak into your romantic relationships wearing new outfits.
People with codependent tendencies are often drawn to partners who are emotionally unavailable, controlling, or struggling with their own addictions or mental health. You might ignore red flags, minimize your own needs, or stay in relationships that hurt—because you believe if you just love them enough, they’ll change.
Sound familiar?
Unfortunately, this dynamic can lead straight into abusive relationships. When you’ve been trained to tolerate chaos, neglect, or emotional whiplash as a child, that can feel like “normal” love as an adult. Many survivors of domestic violence report having grown up in households where love was conditional, unpredictable, or tied to substance use.
Trauma: The Hidden Passenger
Add addiction and codependency together, and you’ve got a perfect storm for complex trauma. You may have learned to disconnect from your own feelings, suppress your anger, or stay quiet to keep the peace. This emotional shutdown—while once protective—can make it harder to recognize danger later on.
You might find yourself asking, Why do I freeze when things go wrong? Why can’t I leave, even when I know I should?
These aren’t flaws. They’re trauma responses. And you’re not broken—you’re responding exactly how your nervous system learned to protect you.
The Good News (Yes, There’s Good News!)
Here’s the part where I tell you this story can change. Healing from codependency and trauma takes time, but it’s absolutely possible—and totally worth it.
Here’s what it can look like:
Learning to identify and honor your needs (yes, you have them!)
Setting boundaries without guilt
Letting go of the need to fix others
Building relationships rooted in mutual respect—not rescuing
Recognizing what safety actually feels like in your body and relationships
Therapy can help you reconnect with your sense of self, unpack the survival strategies you’ve outgrown, and process the trauma that’s been quietly running the show behind the scenes.
And guess what? You don’t have to do it perfectly. Recovery is not about becoming a “new you”—it’s about coming home to the real you, the one who never got to fully emerge in the chaos.
Final Thought: You’re Not Alone
If you see yourself in this post, I want you to know that you're not alone, and you’re not doomed to repeat the past. Codependency and trauma are learned—and that means they can be unlearned. You deserve relationships where you're valued, safe, and allowed to just be—not constantly perform, fix, or prove your worth.
If you're ready to start untangling those patterns and reconnecting with yourself, I’m here to help. Let’s rewrite the story together.
